Over the last couple of weeks, I've heard multiple women say "I'm SO jealous!"

I heard it when an Insta follower saw my apartment in the Red Tent photos I shared in my stories, I heard it when another mama knew that some of my best girlfriends were coming for a sleepover, and when a friend of mine saw that I got to spend four nights child-free at CentreParcs resort and spa solo a couple of weeks ago.

I've also really zeroed in on hearing women say it to each other in other contexts as well.

"I'm so jealous you can eat that and still keep your figure!" one co-worker said to another at a coffee shop the other day.

"I'm so jealous that you can afford the hen weekend in Marbella over Easter!" said a school support-staff member to a teacher in a staff room.

"I'm so jealous that you have quit your job and started a business!" one person said over the phone at another coffee shop (damn... I need to stop buying coffee).

I've said it too. So many times in my life.

I think for me, part of it is shining a light on an emotion which was demonized as a child. Wanting something which someone else had, wondering why they had it and I didn't, and creating a plan around how I could get something similar was something that I didn't want others to know, because it was a marker that I was somehow 'less than' them. It was labelled 'envy', synonymous with 'greed' and 'selfishness' and the thought of others tagging me with those made me fear that my weaknesses might be exposed when I least expected it.

So I went through a phase of calling it out and saying, "I am so jealous!" as a way of raising other women up. I would almost say it proudly, glamourising the sentiment of wanting something which someone else had.

But the words we use MATTER and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that 'jealousy' wasn't really what I was experiencing. To me, jealousy comes from a dark space of not only wanting something similar to what someone else has, but wanting to actually take the exact thing away from that person so that you can have it instead.

And that's kind of what society has coached us into doing, feeling and believing. Scarcity mentality is part and parcel of a culture which has been built on the shadow aspects of masculine and feminine energy. Within the toxic masculine, this is seen in the 'dog-eat-dog' and 'eat-or-be-eaten' cut-throat business world. Within the shadow feminine, the Sister Wound or Other Woman wound is often seen in turbulent romantic relationships, the hoarding of material possessions, or the not-so-humble brag of false faces on social media. Whichever way you slice it, this competition-culture has one message: there is only so much to go around, so if someone else has it, it means you can't.

When exclaim, or type, or whisper conspiratorially, "I'm so jealous!" even with the best of intentions, we perpetuate this message.

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So, here are 3 Things We Can Say Instead Of "I Am So Jealous!":

1) "You have seriously inspired me! Can I ask how you did it?" - This celebrates the woman who has done something incredible AND gets us one step closer to being able to achieve similar, while honouring the work she has put in to get there.

2) "You must be so proud and excited! You deserve it!" - Again, this is a celebration of someone who is smashing it. It raises them up, and validates their feelings around their achievement (which sometimes we can feel kind of shy about, because no-one wants to feel like a show-off) and grants them permission to bask in the fruits of their labor.

3) "I love that for you... I'd really like to have something similar!" - I like this one because it very specifically points to this being a manifestation especially for this woman. Oftentimes, we actually don't want the same thing as someone else has, because we are all different. This shows the self-enquiry which ultimately moves us towards manifesting our own dreams.

Old habits may die hard, so every now and then you may see yourself defaulting to the old 'jealousy' chestnut. But as often as you can, try to catch yourself and switch those icky words out for some of the above. These are much better-feeling-phrases for me, and hopefully for you too...

What is your relationship with jealousy like? Do you often use that word yourself? How does it make you feel when you hear someone else say it? Let me know in the comments.

With grace and grit,

Gabriella x