Before we get into the 5 Ways To Help Someone To Cry It Out, let's start with a personal story...

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"I didn't want to make you cry!" said a friend of mine the other day when I asked her why she hadn't expressed condolence about the tragic and sudden passing of my young cousin.

I didn't ask it rudely... In fact, I told her specifically, "I don't mind, but you're not the only one, and I wonder why people don't say something."

She said, "I didn't want to make you cry!"

It led me to question, why are we so afraid of tears in our society?

I have done it too. I've stifled or hidden my own tears, I have avoided asking the hard questions to my loved ones, or I have tried to 'take someone's mind off it' before.

But the truth is, if something we ask or mention triggers tears for someone else, it is because there is emotion within that person's heart which is DESPERATE to spill over. They are NEEDING that emotional release. And we have the power to give them the permission for it. That's a huge gift, can we please get comfortable with giving it?

Obviously, we want to do it in a safe way... Probably not directly before a board meeting, or while they have their hands full with their kids, or when either one of us really needs to pee. And maybe a very public spot like a coffee shop, or at work might not be best either (although to be honest, I have learned to be ok with crying in both of these places!) But SOMEWHERE, SOMETIME, if you want to really show support to someone who is going through a rough time: ask them about it.

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So let's get into the 5 Best Ways We Can Support Someone While They Cry It Out:

1) Ask them if they'd like to talk about the thing which you know is getting them down. Whether they are navigating grief, a breakup, a redundancy or something else, start by simply acknowledging that something has happened, then tell them you're here to support them and ask them if they'd like to talk about it. If not, remind them that you are there if they change their mind, and maybe check in with them again a couple of times on the next two or three times you see them. Respect their decision to speak or not to speak.

2) Sit back and listen. This is really tricky, because you may have specific questions, or want to know unique details, or be desperate to say 'the thing' that is going to make it all better. Instead, let them share what they feel prepared to share, and hold space while they do. Be present, pay attention, and focus your empathy towards allowing them to unravel in their own time.

3) Shed any expectations or desires as to how the conversation will go. Resist the temptation to 'shush' them, or to say things like, "Come on now, that's enough." When someone we love or care about is upset, we may feel a compulsion to want to 'fix it' for them, or turbo-speed them towards healing, or 'take their mind off' their pain. But it may be that doing any of these things actually hinders their healing. Trust this person to find their own way towards a more even kilter in their own time, and maintain the awareness that you are only there to hold space for them while they do.

4) If they don't tell you, ask them what they need towards the end of the conversations. If it's within your power to help them get their needs met ( for example, by giving them a hug, preparing them a cup of tea, or carrying out some errands) then do. If it isn't within your power, ask them if they're happy for you to make a suggestion or connect them to someone who may be better equipped to help. And if they say no, respect that. Sometimes, there's nothing more that we can say or do to help someone to move through their sadness, but being there while they cry is enough.

5) Regulate yourself. Seeing someone important to us in a state of depression, anxiety, grief or another challenging emotion can be rough. Before you enter the conversation, connect with your intention (to support them). During the conversation, take some steady, slow breaths in and out of the body. And afterwards, reflect on what was going on in your inner world while they were expressing themselves. Remember, you can't pour from an empty cup, so prioritize being energetically resourced so that you don't burn out too. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it... The human experience is a shared one, and you are just as deserving of support while you hold someone you care about as they are.

BONUS TIP:

If your loved one apologizes for crying, PLEASE reinforce that they have nothing to apologize for. Sadness, low-mood, despair and so on, are (frustratingly) all part of the human experience. They are natural emotions for us to feel, and the most important thing is to not get stuck within them and instead to journey through. Tears are a vehicle for that journey, so please empower your crying-person to let them flow.

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To finish, we NEED to get more comfortable with the expression of emotion in society. It isn't easy and so few of us are trained for this. However, by showing up to these sorts of tricky situations, we are doing infinitely better than those who emotionally shut down, avoid, or run in the opposite direction of them. We're not going to get it right every time, but each time, we are likely to get better and those around us get to learn by observing the example we are leading with.

Do you have anything to add or any experiences to share? Let me know in the comments.

With grace and grit,

Gabriella x