How To Give Someone A Second Chance...

Do you believe in second chances? Do you believe that someone can change? Or are you more of a 'fool me once' kinda person?

Here's my take:

Life is full of second chances. Every second we live provides us with a second chance, an opportunity to right a wrong, to do better, to rise above our own historical behaviour.

To resist being open to the idea of providing second chances is to deny life... But I get it. Giving someone a second chance when they've hurt us or let us down is terrifying: 'What if it happens again? Then it will be my fault for letting them back in... I will have tolerated their previous behaviour thus enabling and empowering them to do it again. I am training them to treat me just badly-enough that I will let the hurt repeat.'

There are some people who I can't imagine giving another chance to, for this exact reason. My abusive ex boyfriend, my narcissist ex client, my disloyal ex employee, my deceitful ex best friend to name but a few.

On those, I let LIFE give them any second chances they ask for, and remove myself from the equation. With the right motivation, dedication and opportunity, I believe that most people can change, heal and evolve into something better than they were, but some scars cut too deep to allow a person to collaborate on that work with me. I genuinely hope that they have done the work, so that they don't hurt anyone else in the same way as they hurt me again.

And if I heard that they'd done the work, and grappled with their shadows, and improved? I'd believe it. Cautiously. But I would. Why? Because I have.

***

So how do we do this hard work? Well, for me, it follows 7 simple steps:

1) Work out why you want to give this person a second chance. Ok, hear me out on this one... It's time for some tough love: does this person deserve another minute of your time? Genuinely. Was their mistake an accident? Were they being careless or negligent or was it malicious? Did they realise that they were crossing a line? Did they only do it once? Why did they do it or what were their trigger points? How did you find out? How did they behave when you found out? Were they sincerely apologetic, contrite and open to answering your questions and feeling your wrath? Or were they defensive, accusatory, or dismissive? Finally, are they the sort of person who is open to doing The Work? All of these questions play a huge part in deciding whether this is going to work or not, so you need to answer them honestly and either move forward or abort mission.

2) Decide if you are ready to forgive. Sometimes, giving someone a second chance and letting them back in isn't what we need in the moment, especially if the hurt cuts into our deepest core wounds. Maybe our partner had an affair, our best friend told a secret of ours, or our colleague played a shady game to beat us at a promotion. These things hurt, and accepting that forgiveness MAY happen but isn't about to happen just yet is ok. It's much better for us to take pause and come back to it when we feel ready than try and force it too soon when emotions are still running so high.

3) Communicate how you feel, what your intentions are, and how the other person can meet your needs for moving forwards. A few months ago, I had my heart broken by a guy who frankly had no business screwing me around like that. I was so desperate to have him back that I noticed myself almost feeling like I'd 'do anything' to have him return (which was dumb, since I hadn't done anything to justify the way he was treating me, but we live and learn...) So I decided to create a list of the things he'd need to do in order to actually earn my trust back and make it possible for the relationship to move forward. Things like reaching out to me of his own accord, delivering a sincere apology and explanation, hearing me out, committing to regular communication markers etc. By the time I'd made the list, I looked at it and actually realised that I didn't think he was capable of doing the things on it, so that actually helped me to make the decision to let him go. But if I'd thought he might be capable, I'd have shared the list with him, told him the outcome I was seeking and asked him if he was able to commit to my needs moving forward. If you do the same and encounter resistance, think twice before proceeding: you are going to need to compromise your boundaries if this second-chance is going to work and you should only do this if you are 100% ok with that otherwise you will be wasting time for both of you.

4) Process the hurt together by continuing communication. Some days, it will all feel easy breezy and like nothing ever happened! But other days, you may feel like you are right back at square one. Maybe your beau seems to be getting a lot of texts, or you catch a sideways glance between your friend and someone else, or your colleague seems to be putting you down in meetings... Very, very occasionally, this will be in your head. The rest of the time, it is your intuition sounding alarm bells and telling you, "Something is off!" But one if the ways we can work out which it is, is by talking about it. "Hey, I've noticed you're getting a lot of texts / you and ______ shared a look / your tone was a little sharp in that meeting... It made me feel anxious that you may be messaging someone else / talking about me behind my back / trying to belittle me when I'm trying to shine at work. Can you tell me about it from your perspective?" At this point, you sit back and listen. Not just to them, but again, to your intuition. If you're not able to trust their response, you may be better off walking away.

5) Process the hurt alone as well. While the other person needs to be on their best behaviour when they are trying to repair the tear they caused in the relationship, there is also work you have to do too. At this point, I'd advise you to recruit a therapist, a counsellor, or a coach who can help to bring some perspective to the situation and has your best interests at heart. This person isn't there to take your 'side' in this argument, or to pass opinion on whether the other person is trustworthy or not. They are there to help you get to the bottom of why you think this thing happened in the first place, why it hurt so much, and why you are so desperate to make it right. You need someone to hold space for you while you establish whether or not it is in your best interests to give a second chance or not, and take care of yourself in the process.

6) Remember that there is no shame in not being able to move forward together. I'm giving you all the permission you need to change your mind and say, "No, this is too hard," if you need to. They hurt you and put you in a position you never wanted to be in, and then expected or demanded that you step up and forgive them. It's not fair. So if you need to bow out, for your own mental, emotional, energetic health, then do. It is possible to forgive someone without giving them a second chance, so make this your focus while nursing your own wounds. Who knows, in the future things may change and you may both be healed-enough to try again, but for now, let it be.

***

A person that claims never to have changed is a person who hasn't lived. I'm changing every day... So are you. It is my belief that we are each sent to this life with the intention of upgrading collective consciousness: each generation healing the wounds of previous generations so our descendants can take the baton and continue the work from an easier position than we had to. So I have to believe that change is possible and if that is the case, second chances can yield so much medicine.

Part of being self-full is about forgiveness: forgiving ourselves and others in order to achieve true heart-freedom. Sometimes, that involves second chances and sometimes it doesn't... 🤷 Only you know what is best for you, so reconnect with that inner voice and trust her.

Let me know in the comments, have you ever given someone a second chance? How did it go? Do you have any tips to share?

With grace and grit,

Gabriella x